22/03/2025 - ***Orange man bad***

Collecting themselves after their respite, the clan moved to venture higher into the lighthouse, dreading what they might find. Boots thudded on stone steps, deafening in the silence as they ascended to the third floor. Cautiously, they scanned the room before leaving the relative safety of the stairwell.  Perceptive eyes piercing the gloom, Joffrey noted a pair of runic inscriptions laid out in squares that adorned the floor. Straining his magical senses, he intuited that these were intended to be arcane prisons that would trap any entity entering them.

They were fortunately unoccupied and after playfully cajoling Autismus to enter one as a test, they finished a brief sweep of the room before returning to their ascent.

In their haste, they proceeded directly to the fourth floor and entered a large, round chamber at the pinnacle of the building. In the centre of the room inside a glass enclosure, floated a large, glowing, green gem that previously would have served as the beacon.

Iron bands, covered in runes that pulsed and flickered, encapsulated the gemstone and attached it to arcane mechanisms in the floor and ceiling.  Autismus brandished his favoured pair of yeti testicles in front of him like a lantern and observed them as he moved hesitantly towards the crystal. As he got closer to the glass, they began to visibly shrivel when exposed to the ambient power washing off of the crystal.

In a rare moment of lucidity and scientific acumen, he determined based on his observations, this energy field was necromantic and drawing life-force in like a black hole.

Testing the double glass doors on the side of the enclosure, he found them to be magically locked and beyond his capacity to open.

As he leaned forwards inspecting the lock, suddenly he was attacked by a shadow that passed through the glass in front of him. At its touch, his strength was visibly drained and he appeared to grow feeble.

Being alerted by this, Joffrey had just enough time to detect his attacker and ducked, as it swooped from the substance of the wall and vanished again. Likewise, Bubba dodged yet another and with his honed ranger’s senses, he was able to lock on to the subtle distortion in the air.  Mystically marking it, he was able to land a hit with his dart that preceded a savage blow from his rod that banished the apparition.

Emboldened as they gained traction in this uncertain situation, Joffrey tried casting Thunderwave to negligible effect. He found that the creatures were resistant to thunder damage and fortunately, he didn’t destroy the glass or their hearing.

Autismus lashed out aggressively with fire magic that gravely injured his Shadow, as it in turn wounded Bubba, sapping his strength. 

Things turned desperate as Joffrey was rent with ghostly talons and robbed of his strength as well. He summoned every last screed of his Tiefling heritage and rebuked his attacker, obliterating it in a fiery explosion.

As the frantic exchange continued, the hair on their arms stood on end from a growing charge in the air. A pair of cacophonous waves of energy rose through the tower, culminating at the radiant gemstone. Infused momentarily with a blinding degree of power, there was a sudden release as it sent a confined beam vaguely south, sundering the clouded sky.

Although the majority had left, the gem still glowed brighter than before; the remaining Shade appeared to be bolstered by this.

Desperately slashing and sending torrents of magic into it, the group was unable to bring it down before it could strike again. It moved to tear the deranged sorcerer to pieces, ethereal claws raking the air in vain before Bubba struck true and dispersed it as well.

They slumped limply to the ground, panting and exhausted, as their fearless leader attempted to heal himself and with the Fisherman’s aid, was fully restored.

Having some breathing room to investigate the locked door properly, all 3 of them attempted to prise the doors loose but, in their weakened state, were unable to.  “Fuck it, it can’t be stuck if it’s dust!” metal and glass shards tinkled on stone as a frustrated Tiefstein, fearing further attacks, reduced the door to atoms with a blast of thunder.

Autismus hastily threw his spare testicles through the door and watched in dismay as they ticked and crackled faster and faster, before they were left a husk.

Tiefstein stepped past and shrewdly examined the runes and mechanism on the floor within. He concluded that he could reverse the effects of the gem and was confident the lower section was for teleportation.

Blank looks met him as he asked the others if he should enact his plan and he privately wondered if he should be questioning the help.

Before there could be further mentally stimulating debate, he deftly made a number of small adjustments to the runes and sent an activating charge into the construct.  The crystal turned from emerald to blue-sapphire, bathing them in an azure glow as energy tumbled in reverse down the structure, into the village outside.

Warmth filled their bodies as their wounds closed, strength returned and the expended crystal reverted to its natural, inert state.

Remembering the useless dragon, the philanthropist opened the staircase hatch and with magically enhanced vocals attempted to summon him, but was met with silence.

Shaking his head, Joffrey smiled as he peered out the window and began to see movement down in the village, he’d done it, he’d saved the goblins, he was a genius.

Joy turned to confusion and in turn to dread, as the figures approaching the building resolved into goblinoid ghouls, zombies and several undead bugbears.

“Well that isn’t quite right…”

The others looked at him questioningly as he quickly made his way into the enclosure and started to activate the teleportation mechanism. He assured that them that everything was fine, the mission was successful and then dragged them onto the platform. 
His heart surely bled that Solkanar hadn’t made it and would likely be torn to shreds by the undead. He certainly didn’t smile as he vanished with a faint “pop” of collapsing air.

———

Squelch came-to in a dimly lit chamber, the last thing he could remember was that he had left the others to make his way back to the swamp before … nothing.

His head throbbed as he tried to make sense of his predicament; He tried to sit up and found he was immobile, head and body tightly secured despite his efforts.
Distorted vision slowly resolved into clarity as he gazed at what little he could see of his surroundings.

A complex of pipes and tubes of varying sizes and materials adorned the ceiling like an orderly overgrowth of jungle vines. Fluids visibly moved through some of the transparent sections but what they were, he couldn’t say.

In front of him on the far side of the room, he could see an alcove in the wall containing a modest amount of magical script. To the right of this, was what seemed to be a throne equipped with a dome-like apparatus that would rest above an occupants head; A bristling array of cables and tubes snaked out of it, into its surrounds.

Within his narrow cone of reality was a table with a goblin laying atop it. They were deceased and searching its features, Squelch was at least partially relieved not to recognise them. Above the corpse was a complicated amalgam of metal claws and implements that surrounded its head, and within it was a softly glowing gem. He recognised this as being remarkably similar to the twin that studded his hammer.

As he struggled to come to terms with this disturbing environment, his thoughts were interrupted by a bright flash from the alcove. Once the stars left his eyes, he was met with the familiar sight of his compatriots.  A bemused voice floated through the gloom from somewhere behind him, accompanied by a faint clink of porcelain. “I’ve been expecting you” it said.  Joffrey could see past the odious green stain on the seat that was Squelch to the voice’s owner, a wizened old male gnome calmly sipping tea. He sat in a corner at a desk bedecked with documents, ornaments and curios. Bookshelves covered the wall from desktop to ceiling, fit to burst with further books, papers and knick-knacks.

The unusual little man was wearing what could best be describes as gothic regalia; a visual assault of onyx and purple fabric, polished skull pendants and accessories.

Momentarily transfixed by this stunted man-child dressed like a moody, teenaged human, the businessman also spied a keg robot in the opposite corner and a trio of motionless ghouls.

“What are you doing here ?” Came the voice again as the gnome, announcing himself as ‘Hoover’, studied the intruders.

Sensing the atmosphere of danger that permeated the space and the calm confidence of the wee lad, Joffrey produced his most vibrant smile and went to work.

He was almost distracted by the sight of the Whack-Splat embedded in the apparatus above Squelch’s head, seemingly jury rigged as a power source as he spoke.

“We have heard tell of your most impressive mastery of all things sorcerous and scientific, we wish to hear more of your wisdom and possibly apprentice ourselves.” He crooned.

“What use have I of apprentices, I am more than capable of manifesting everything I need, you would only inconvenience me.” Hoover responded, beginning to lose interest and patience.

“What if I told you I knew of another place where I found glowing gems such as these? I could show you where my lab is and how to power them, I’m something of a scientist myself” Confidently boasted the tycoon. 
Hoover was not amused and explained that he could create the gems at will with magic, and he was already an expert at storing energy inside of them.  He had lost patience and was beginning to stand as there was another flash of light in the alcove and a horse-sized problem emerged. 
“What the fuck is going on in here and what did you idiots do back there ?” The ebony scaled cretin squawked as he ran his eyes around the room, settling on the insubstantial loose-leaf enthusiast.

“YOU!” He roared, charging past the group as he erupted acidic bile over his target and the wider area of his tome collection.

It was a jarring display of power by the young dragon that turned the desk, shelves and books into a puddle in an instant. However, as the fluid drained to the floor, Hoover stood surprised but unharmed within a magic barrier he’d reflexively conjured. 
In the commotion, Autismus rushed forwards and freed Squelch from his restraints, enthusiastically pocketing the many-segmented “ball gag” he pulled from his throat.

Hoover recovered from his initial shock and addressed Solkanar through the barrier. “Your mother has obviously decided to take action against us, finally. Well, we’ll see how well that goes for her” before he vanished gothically, in a puff of hairspray scented smoke.

Groaning, the undead goblins and gnome roused themselves and lurched forwards. The nearest belted Autismus for significant damage while the others scrabbled at him ineffectually.

There was a nostalgic jingle of activation as the dormant keg awoke and clanked into position, showering the combatants in the middle of the room with alcohol.

Von Autingler and his gimped green companion were immediately ravaged by the toxic nature of the liquid, becoming poisoned. Solkanar was fine, he was a fucking dragon.

Squelch roughly tore his hammer free of its housing, visibly empowered once again as he gripped it. Despite this, he fruitlessly swung at the robot as his head cleared from the poison’s effects, retreating again to collect himself.

Bubba rushed one of the zombies, seeing the adult-toy collector in danger, and flung his dart at it before following up with his rod of ruin, staggering it.

A fraction slower, the would-be scientist repositioned and his pelvis erupted with a mightier storm than usual, rocking the room. An airborne collection of body parts was all that remained of one of the undead, whilst the others were injured but held their ground.

In the calamity of battle, Solkanar was an eye of calm as he sniffed the ground where the mid life crisis had stood previously. The keg-on-legs approached him and he tapped its crown with a talon absent-mindedly as he ruminated, deactivating it.

Regaining his focus after enjoying the rough treatment, Autismus sent a wave of flames over the remaining two corpses, forgetting half the room was covered in flammable liquid. Fortunately while they caught fire, he didn’t end up in an oven and the room didn’t explode, which was a pleasant surprise for the rest of the party.

Blinded by the conflagration, the undead flailed at Von Autingler ineffectually, the tiny paladin approaching unseen. Squelch caved in the breast bone of one of them with a single blow, gods he was strong, but it started to rise again and he was forced to smite it.

The fisherman hit the other shambler at the same time, it similarly hit the deck and he thought he’d finished it, but it groaned and rose once more.

Expending his final pelvic thrust, Joffrey hit the surviving deadite, knocking it to the ground, before it lurched upright yet again.  “It gets knocked down, but it gets up again, we’re never gonna keep it down!” He sputtered in frustration.

Without elaborating, the dragon turned, rushed to the alcove and teleported out of the room, knocking a nearby chair as he went.

The apparatus on top of the chair swung down and contacted the head of the unnoticed, large undead occupant, shocking it. The being was infused with power as the gem stone was drained and it started to tear its way free of the restraints.

Seeing the latest and largest threat emerging, Autismus lobbed a vicious hail of missiles at it that would have felled a lesser creature. Tall, dark, and deadsome was enraged by this and snapped his manacles as he stood, threateningly.

Distracted by the newcomer, Tiefstein was gouged horrifically by it’s smaller brother and cried out in agony as he clung on to life by a thread.

Big boy underestimated the speed of the small goblin, as it evaded his attacks before belting him in the head with a hammer, ethereal armour suddenly appearing around it.

Lures and hooks raked the smaller foe and it toppled over, there was a brief moment of triumph before it lumbered up a third time. “Tub thumper!” Bubba cursed at it.

Although drained and ragged, Joffrey bravely stepped toe to toe with the greater threat, decorative daggers a whirlwind of steel in his hands. Well, more of a stiff breeze as they wafted pathetically into the beast, thunking off its hide. Perhaps he should try the pointy bit next time ? Yes, he’d seen people do that.

His brief aside was interrupted by his target bursting into flames as it continued to rain clumsy blows down at its knee height opponent, who was unable to get in close to hit.

The angler and Chumbawumba continued their titanic battle, the living being worn down by relentless undead.

Remembering his stage-combat training, the performer attempted to drive his daggers into the zombie, delivering a singular perfect thrust. However, being unused to the resistance of knives that didn’t collapse on contact, barely scratched it.

In a puff of smoke, the air was soon filled with the angry cries of a frustrated lizard; Solkanar had returned after failing to catch the edgy necromancer. He vented his anger on the bloated cadaver, tearing massive chunks of flesh off its frame with his clawed feet.

This display of physical power was all the more terrifying coming from a creature rarely more animate than his favourite chair.

More fire engulfed the corpse from behind as it turned to face Solkanar, slack jaw grumbling and moaning while its meaty fist thudded into the dragons thick hide.

With a nervous glance over his shoulder at the remembered mechanical, Squelch was relieved to see it hadn’t re-awoken in the mayhem. He tightened his grip on his weapon, winding up every last ounce of strength, eyes aglow as he clobbered the meat mannequin for all he was worth, divine wrath annihilating it.

Reduced to animalistic frenzy, Bubba finally knocked his partner down, and to his relief, he didn’t get up again.

Exhausted, the party took a moment to rest as the danger seemed to have passed, with the robot remaining out of action, eyes now glowing blue with white text on them.

Joffrey blamed his blades for his failure and swore they didn’t work properly. He traded Bubba a handsome gem for his masterwork pair, in turn tossing the defective ones to the green-skin in disgust.

Inspecting his new treasures, he noted they had small golden hourglass-like symbols engraved into the hilts, a mark of their quality. Yes, he was sure these ones would just-work.

Moving to the ravaged shelves, the ranger discovered a magical scroll of Frost Giant’s Strength that had survived the acid.

Cursing himself for forgetting to check the corpses they had encountered in the lighthouse, Tiefstein took great pains to thoroughly search the bodies. For his trouble, he was rewarded with a number of potions; some of healing, necrotic resist and water breathing.

Alongside this, he recovered some alchemical materials that he handed off to Bubba, who finished brewing a potion of lesser restoration.

Heaving the large corpse over, he realised it was wearing a cloak that was several sizes too small. Carefully removing it, remarking on the tangible magic, he determined that it was a Cloak of the Manta Ray, granting the wearer breath and swift movement underwater.

With severe reluctance, he gave this wealth to his aquatically aligned companion, acknowledging it would serve him better.

Autismus greedily snatched up a pair of glowing gems, shoving them down his pants and pointed out the 16 others that were made of worthless glass.  “They aren’t worthless glass, they are clear sapphires” Joffrey corrected him “and someone will pay handsomely for them once I impress upon them their rarity.” He added slyly.

Investigating the room further, they finally came to the throne by the alcove that featured a dome-shaped apparatus above the headboard. There were two conspicuous recesses in the wall above it, perfectly sized for a pair of glowing gemstones.With a pointed look at Autismus, Joffrey wondered aloud if someone might have found something that would suit these cavities. Shiftily, the primitive produced his prizes and was directed to install them and take a seat as the reward for finding them.

He reluctantly sat down and pulled the dome down over his head, wincing in anticipation of pain.

His mind was altered and he began to have a vivid hallucination, although this wasn’t a foreign experience to him.

In the vision he had a birds-eye view of the lighthouse and the surrounding area; with some experimentation, he realised he could even move his perspective and focus on small details. Immediately he began attempting to to find a female to inspect, with his perverted mind working itself to a fevered pitch in his excitement.  Externally, the others saw him writhing in the chair, gesturing lewdly and emitting a deviant “ha-haw-haw” noise as a depraved grin painted his features.

Minute attention span wearing thin and struggling to master the controls, he made a vain attempt to see their current location, then removed himself from the machine.

Seeing the device remained powered, the bard settled himself in and felt his consciousness expand, seeing the surrounds of the village. 

Experimenting, he focused his thoughts on Seeg-Hell and his magical sight migrated to the town where he saw people moving around. As he moved closer, he was disgusted to see that all of the tieflings had been replaced by halflings; an entire people turned race traitor.

Superior, pure-blooded mental faculties were brought to bear and he sensed he could do more than move his view, and bent reality itself to his iron-clad will.

The roomed thrummed with power and the crystals by the throne dimmed as there was a rhythmic, pulsing warble that preceded a thud, then silence.

Lifting the device from his head, the others questioned him about what had happened and he advised them that they were now standing on his property and had best behave.

Dispelling the further confusion this caused the simpletons, he explained that he’d moved the lighthouse itself to safety on the site of his bar, and this was their new home.

(Well, it was his new establishment on his property but, he’d let them have some space, he was nothing if not generous, he mentally applauded himself.)

They chose to camp in the chamber that they realised was the basement of the tower, too exhausted to risk leaving first.

In the morning they performed a thorough, uninterrupted search of the building and uncovered a potion of fire breath that went into the bag of holding.

Amidst their search on the floor that they had skipped the day prior, Tiefstein and Von Autingler were rifling through drawers when they spied a metallic glint.  Reacting instinctively, faster than thought, the proprietor magically reprimanded the deviant, pocketing the ring he spied while he was distracted. Realising what had happened, a vocally distraught Autismus returned to his sulky rummaging and uncovered a second ring that made them both gasp.What his grubby fingers had unearthed was a Ring of Wishes, with one of it’s 3 rubies still glowing. Heart hammering in his chest, recognising the extreme danger of such a powerful artefact, Joffrey stammered that they should store it in the vault until their time of greatest need.

His words fell on deaf ears and before he could even finish speaking, the ring had disappeared within dirty underwear. With some lewd sniggering about a “Cock-ring of Wish” followed by a small yelp, the depraved lunatic’s eyes widened and he looked at his carer. “I can’t get it off” was the only intelligible phrase amongst his deranged jabbering and the leader’s eyes screwed shut, cold dread washing over him.

He proceeded to reinforce that the animal should keep his mouth shut and under no circumstances, say the phrase “I wish”. This was met with Autismus saying he wouldn’t say the “w” word that earned him a slap for his flirtation with doom.

Imagining piles of gold to calm himself, Tiefstein inspected his pocketed jewellery and determined it was a Ring of Spell-Storing that could retain 4 spells. After some internal and external debate, he decided to keep this and consider how it could best be used between the group.

While he rolled these new revelations over in his mind, they climbed to the top of the lighthouse and looked out from their new and unique vantage point. He’d not seen the town from this perspective before, view unobstructed by squat dwellings, making the club shaped profile of the Ivory Tower stand out.

Realising it looked taller-again than usual, and thicker at the top than the base, he raised this with the rest of the party and they resolved to visit it soon.

Squaring things away before leaving, Joffrey spent some time tinkering with the keg robot and was able to modify it’s behaviour into a treasure guardian for the vault.

He decided to give it a name and etched P.A.D.E into the wood of its keg. “Pneumatic Alcohol Dispensing Equipment” or “Paddy” for short.

Venturing out into the town, they realise that the new halfling residents are giving them strange looks. Their eyes looked dimly glazed and Joffrey could see their thoughts written in their stupid features as they looked at him; “Orange man bad” they seemed to say.

He was unconcerned and smiled despite this thinking, though they may not know it, they were going to love him.

Arriving at the base of the Ivory Tower, they approached the nearest archway and were intercepted by a pair of guards. Unlike the other townsfolk, these potato-faced gits seemed alert and sneered at them, asking what their business was. 

Sensing something off about these two, those experienced with the arcane could see through their magic disguises at the demons underneath.

Not being overly charismatic, Bubba attempted a thinly veiled deception that they are there to see Trae’vhor on the fourth floor, and was rebuffed. Attempting to salvage the exchange, and not be stabbed, Tiefstein adopted his trademark smile, correcting that they were there to see him on the fourteenth floor.

This didn’t go down much better and he ushered the group away from the guards as he backed off, all the while peppering them with niceties. 
He told them to spread the word to their coworkers, that denizens of the ‘Tower would benefit from a loyalty program at his bar.

Not having any other significant priorities, they decided to head to the swamp to see the Queen, not wanting to waste too much time and risk enraging a giant dragon. 

Upon reflection as they travelled, Joffrey acknowledged that there weren’t guards at the other archways and they likely could have walked through a different entrance.

Arriving at the entrance to the cave network, Autismus and Bubba halted Squelch and encouraged him not to reveal that they had the dragon sword. He was confused and simply pointed at the sword they were flamboyantly waving around, stating that they did have it.

They tried a little longer to convince him to go along with their nonsense, the Bard wisely avoiding taking part, but eventually decided against committing suicide by acid.

They moved to enter but Joffrey halted Squelch once again, remembering he hadn’t updated him about their previous quest. He casually dumped on him that everyone in his village was dead, not of their doing, but Solkanar had tasked them with killing them all initially, anyway.

His little eyes nearly popped out of his skull as he tried to process this trauma; all he could manage was a weak “what?” Before scurrying after them.

Arriving in the Queen’s lair, she firmly called on Bubba for tribute and he spluttered inarticulately, attempting to explain that he didn’t have the money.  She informed him that that wasn’t her problem and began to ask again for an appropriate offering, before their leader hauled him and the others behind him.  Magically amplifying his voice and wearing a charming smile, Joffrey faced the the dragon alone, assertively requesting she talk to him.

Doing some quick calculations, he produced five valuable gems along with 50 gold pieces, to make a more visually appealing offering.

She gazed at this greedily, accepted it, then unceremoniously tossed it on to her heap of treasure.

Joffrey turned to his dependents, made his eyes briefly glow with golden light that completed his benevolent visage, and muttered “The Emperor protects”.

Both parties having satisfied their egos, turned to the topic of their mission to the Gauntlet of Doom and if they had managed to recover the artefact.

Autismus reluctantly produced the sword and the dragon visibly recoiled from it, suspiciously advising that he could keep it.

Joffrey made a mental note to ensure that they had the sword professionally identified and inspected before it was used.

She demanded to know what happened after they left the Gauntlet and why it had taken so long for them to return to her.

Tiefstein opened by informing the queen that her son had attempted to conceal knowledge of the magic sword from her before recounting their tale.

He covered the village, the magic lighthouse, their encounter with Hoover and his unusual command of powered gems.

Her Majesty processed this for a moment before wistfully stating that “The Tower” were farther ahead than she’d anticipated, concerned that they could recharge gemstones now.

She bid them to sneak into the Ivory Tower next and gather intelligence on their secrets before brusquely dismissing them.

Their leader dissatisfied with this dangerous assignment, knowing that the Tower was now full of demons, requested a boon of the dragon.

The Queen rejected him, informing them that they should be powerful enough if they had managed to complete the Gauntlet, and survive an encounter with Hoover.

The team retreated from the royal chambers without further comment. As they were on their way out, Squelch, overcome by emotions about his destroyed village, attempted to commiserate with another goblin that turned out to be his chieftain.

The other goblin was apathetic of the news, agreed with the genocide, said that Squelch’s mother was a whore and he basically had 300 siblings, “good riddance”.

Joffrey attempted to step in for his diminutive compatriot, giving the abuser a noble’s slap and a stiff reprimand.  Squelch lost his mind and pinned the chief against the wall by his neck, then mustered all the power he could, before walloping him in the balls with his hammer. Regardless of the intended outcome, the chieftain was thoroughly annihilated and turned into people pâté; this legally made Squelch the new ruler of the Watt Tribe.

He was henceforth known as “Squelch Stormborn, Breaker of Chains, First of his Name”.

The grotesque beast located his previous military friend “Squawk the Rok Slayer”, the second best warrior in the clan under him, and left him in command in his absence.

Heads held high, they left the filth in their cave; Joffrey now held a small amount of respect for Squelch as he was more or less nobility, and mentally elevated him above halflings.

As they trudged down the Outlet, their leader suggested that they try and find the old man bedecked with birds that the goblin had mentioned previously.

Instead, they found 2 Giant Space Hamsters by the Obelisk of O’Brien that were milling around and licking salt aimlessly. Joffrey recognised what they were and wasted no time in attempting to harness this resource, with Bubba as an animal translator.

They claimed that the Obelisk was their ship and they were seeking to repair it; Tiefstein nodded sagely and advised that he could assist them.

He convinced Bubba to give up his home by the swamp to the hamsters, seeing as he now had a space in Tiefstein Tower, this would give them lush land, shelter and water.

In exchange for his benevolence, Joffrey requested that if he should ever need a favour, that they answer his call.  He couldn’t wait for the grand opening of his new restaurant in Tiefstein Tower.

*To be continued.*