15/03/2025 - ***Are we the baddies ?***

Time seemed to stand still, it was as though an entire week had passed, as Joffrey hauled Squelch to his feet and they began to take stock of the aftermath of their encounter. Studying the remains of the skeletal creatures that had attacked them, they determined that, oddly, they were comprised of painted and polished wood, rather than bone.

As the only remaining feature of note in the room, the group gathered around the magic mirror once more, and gazed at the ample riches within. Autismus and Joffrey could feel the arcane energies permeating it, and agreed it was a powerful magical mechanism that seemed to need a phrase to trigger it.

They went over the inscription on the frame above the glass and tried to decipher some meaning from it. Being a literary scholar, familiar with nuance and wordplay, Joffrey realised that the skeletons were all missing their eyes and re-wrote the verse without the letter “I”.  “Transportus!” He boomed, powerful vocalist’s voice reverberating around the chamber, and the mirror’s surface shimmered, drawing them in visually, and physically.

Now standing in the mirror universe, they took in the piles of coins and various other treasures scattered around the perimeter. 

Joffrey was drawn to a pile of books, feeling that any coins Autismus and Bubba collected, would likely end up in his bar’s strongbox inside a week anyway. Bubba, being a physical fellow, was drawn to several daggers and a mace adorning one of the walls, likewise ignoring the coins. Autismus scrabbled greedily to the coins, trying to stuff them in his pockets, amusingly threatened by Joffrey. 
He disturbed more than the coins with his grubby hands, the room started the thrum and every item therein began to move of its own accord. A whirlpool of wealth began to form, to his disbelief, and before his eyes a relatively small doubloon dragon formed.

With gold coins for scales, glinting gemstones for eyes and daggers for teeth, it roared and spewed forth a hail of copper coins, injuring everyone other than Joffrey. 

(Foolish creature should have known that coins were his preferred terrain.)

After the initial surprise, the draconic disturbance took several hits and treasure sloughed off its body with each one, however, it was soon attracted and re-attached. 
Cobbling together several of its braincells, the goblin rushed into the fray, hammer held high, unwittingly, directly into the line of friendly fire. It was promptly flung past the dragon, landing unceremoniously on its face, after being rocked by a thunder wave.

The brief, but frenetic clash, ended with Autismus firing a torrent of magic missiles into the creature, blasting it apart into its constituent components.
 Conspicuously upright in the mass of money was an unusual sword, with a dragon’s head-shaped hilt, its jaws open, spewing forth the metal flames of the blade. Autismus immediately seized it and felt the power radiating from it, pronouncing that it was a powerful artefact, likely what they’d been sent to find.  The coins were vacuumed up, along with 16 gemstones, into the Bag of Holding, and Bubba collected his weapons.  “Transportus!” Joffrey intoned once more, and the team made their way back through “The Gauntlet of Doom”, sadly unable to locate the rat men that had initially vexed them.

They emerged onto the cliff-face overlooking the Vitamin Sea once more, the last rays of golden sunlight fading as they scaled it, before settling down to camp. Autismus solely remained awake into the night, finally retiring at 4am, after learning all he could about the blade.

Come morning, after breaking down the camp, and preparing to set off back to the Qumdrop Swamp, to see the Queen, they were startled to hear beating wings overhead.

A black, winged shape descended from the clouds, and for a moment it was thought that the Queen herself had arrived to collect her bounty. However, it was a far less impressive creature, merely the size of a horse, although seemingly related.

The newcomer identified himself as Solkanar, the son of her majesty, and remarked on the pathetic lower creatures before him. Joffrey moved next to him and agreed, staring at the filthy race traitor and their goblin companion.

He asked if they had been successful in their quest and received confirmation before announcing that Squelch would be sent back to his mother with a tribute.

Joffrey retrieved what he estimated was generous compensation, being the largest number of coins, and proceeded to pour 2000 copper coins over Squelch. In addition he granted him 2 mid-range gem stones to offer to her majesty as tribute.

Once Squelch had moved off, on his way back to his cave, Solkanar asked to see the relic-weapon that they had retrieved. He looked it over, avarice written across his features, and told the group they could keep it for now, but it was to be their secret and they were not to tell his mother about it.

Autismus had concluded, after his night of intense study, that the sword’s power was forming the treasure dragon they had seen earlier. The wielder could drive it into their stored treasure and issue a command word that would set it to guard it from all others; if disturbed, it would form the treasure into a proportionally sized dragon.

Their rude, ebony scaled, interloper announced that he had a new mission for them, once Squelch was out of earshot. They were to travel to Steep Run and exterminate all of the remaining goblins that were once of his clan. He clarified that when the clan had emigrated, they left all of their weakest behind; that being the women, children and any who refused to worship the Queen.

Bubba and Joffrey were taken aback, both having misgivings of doing something so heinously evil however, Autismus with his demonic aura and substance abused mind, gleefully agreed. 

Joffrey gazed around the group, meeting each of their eyes in turn and asked “Are we the baddies ?”, to which Solkanar scoffed and advised that it was surely good to kill “evil” creatures. They had refused to follow their clan and worship their goddess, so surely they were deserving of a most painful death.

Joffrey remained unconvinced, despite Autismus’ derision and mockery of his morality, and silently resolved to destroy this whelp and save the village at any cost. 

Well… except a financial cost.

Solkanar calculated that the journey would only take around half a day, but when queried, clarified it would only take HIM half a day; For lesser beings that couldn’t fly, it would take several days on foot. Bubba asked if he could fly them there and he laughed heartily as he took to he sky, rapidly fading into the distance.

The journey ahead would be difficult, and would test all of their skills to their limits. 
Autismus decided to rouse them with some encouraging words, but ultimately darkened everyone’s mood, leading them to plod along unproductively.

Bubba’s extensive experience in the wilds proved useful, he soon found them a game trail that made their passage easier, making up for lost time. As they started to make better progress, the mood lightened and Joffrey began to play a continuous rendition of “500 Miles”. It was a song he’d picked up from a foreign traveller, that he proudly touted as the best travelling song, and it  hastened their steps.

They ate up the miles and eventually arrived at a river that was too wide and deep to wade, they would need to find another way across. Autismus pondered this for a time and decided to perform an interpretive dance and make some indigenous music; what effect this was intended to have was anyone’s guess.

Bubba watched for a few seconds, furrowed his brow, then pointed to the clear path of stones across the water, that they easily traversed.

After walking for several more hours, they came to the base of a steep cliff, it seemed to be insurmountable, but backtracking and navigating around it would take a few hours. Joffrey knew it would be hazardous to climb and tried to convince the others that it wouldn’t take very long to find another route.

He wasn’t very convincing, the others becoming more tense and agitated as the plodded off into the undergrowth once again.

The groups angst attracted unwanted attention, they were approaching the base of Steep Run and the forest soon gave way to rocky ground with sparse vegetation. As they broke the tree line, they were faced with a small band of three, alert and snarling yetis.

In a flash, two of them launched themselves at Bubba, goring and gouging him, then tearing the fishhooks out of his armour as they became tangled in their fur. Joffrey appeared at his side and gave him a healing and encouraging pat to the backside as things began to look grim.

Autismus was similarly beset upon, he fought with tremendous violence and fire, bringing the full brunt of his trifling heritage to bear, immolating his attacker. As a coup de grâce, he sent a final volley of magic missiles into his genitals, exploding them as he jabbered with malignant glee.

Meanwhile, Joffrey managed to knock one of the yetis back with a thunder wave, whilst Bubba killed the other.

High on violence, Autismus rushed the remaining yeti and cast Burning Hands on it, although, it wasn’t very effective, merely warming the surrounding air. 

“Cunt!” Boomed Joffrey, voice laced with arcane intent as he pointed aggressively at the survivor.  The yeti, unfazed, instead died to a sharp crack to the skull from Bubba’s fishing rod.

Taking stock of the situation after the frenzied exchange, they found a necklace made of teeth, that Bubba held on to, and they began to harvest what they could from the corpses.

Alchemically minded, the fisherman collected a vial of blood for concoctions, and some fur for a beanie; meanwhile the businessman took his pound of flesh to create a yeti-skin cloak for the coming cold.

Observing the other two, the  simple deviant attempted to ape them, collecting some hide that he fashioned into a crude brazier of poor quality. He proceeded to collect the remaining, unexploded genitals and, noticing the female of the trio was pregnant, a foetus that he immediately consumed, claiming it had health benefits.

After this disturbing interlude, they turned in for the night, preparing for the final, short leg of their journey.
Early in the morning they arrived at the base of Steep Run, and spied a rough wooden palisade in the distance. From their vantage point, they could see that there were a couple of buildings inside including, strangely, a coastal lighthouse, further up the mountain side. 

It’s construction clashed with the local wooden dwellings, clearly not of goblin design, and more perplexingly, it emitted a green light that washed over the surrounds.

Moving towards their goal, they came to a signed fork in the road; one way read “summit” in common, the other “Kingston” in goblinese fortunately, that Bubba could read.

Approaching the seemingly abandoned gatehouse, Joffrey magically amplified his flute as he continued playing, attempting to attract attention. Concerningly, no one applauded him, or gave any form of response at all.

Overhead, they saw the now-familiar, black, equine equivalent, form of Solkanar, lazily circling the area.

Making their way through the gate, they note that there doesn’t appear to be anyone active in the camp, other than a single goblin moaning on the ground. Cautiously approaching, it becomes clear that it isn’t a trap and it’s obviously deathly ill, with pale skin and a drained look.

Upon inspection, having had to check the vitals of a number of enthusiastic bar patrons, Joffrey believes that it’s either poison, or some magic voodoo shit. The worldly alchemist agreed, in his medical opinion, that it was indeed, some magic voodoo shit and prescribed a healing potion.

Imbibing the fluid, the goblin sputtered, shook, then expired; the treatment was successful.

Being unhelpful for a couple of days had really built up an appetite, and the dragon joined them, asking them if they intended to eat the corpse. He had second thoughts about eating it, seeing its condition and remarked that this seemed to be related to the lighthouse; it had a necromantic aura that he could sense.

Autismus attempted to goad Solkanar into a display of his capabilities, and he obliged by breathing acid over a nearby dwelling. The wall disintegrated almost immediately and there were pleas from within as a number of similarly sickly goblins were melted alive.  Sniggering, the degenerate attempted to hi-five the war criminal and came into contact with his acid-imbued scales, burning the skin off of his hand, to the dragon’s amusement.

Joffrey was dismayed by this display and walked up the slope towards the lighthouse, determined to discover what was going on. The others joined him shortly after, and made their way to the locked entrance of the tower.  The fisherman inspected the exterior and found a trigger mechanism that he was not able to easily disarm. Tiefstein waved the others back, moved around the wall from the door and then used his mage hand to attempt to open it. A torrent of crossbow bolts spewed forth from the opening, and turned the ground into a pincushion, where they’d been standing moments earlier. 

Walking into the gloom within, Bubba appeared to meld with the shadows in the darkest regions of the space. He saw a few boxes, a central spiral staircase, some maps pinned to a table on the far side of the room, and a small corpse on the ground. Looking closer, there was a shape hanging in the air above it, it was a ghost that resembled the body below it.

He moved back to the doorway and informed the others of what lay within, and Autismus began rummaging in his pockets, pulling out various knick-knacks and ingredients. Joffrey watched him intently as he pried some copper wire from the door mechanism and then began winding it in his hands, mumbling incoherently and reading scrawled notes.

“Anyway” Becoming impatient with what he perceived as unnecessary magic, to communicate with the phantom, only several meters away, he barged past and called out to it instead.
The spectre shrieked and immediately lunged at the financier, failing to make contact with its frenzied blows.

Thunder rocked the building as Joffrey brought his magic to bear, but it impotently passed through the phantasm. Magic missiles began to pepper it from across the room, to far greater effect as it was visibly diminished.

Sensing blood in the water, Bubba lashed out with his fishing rod however, this too, proved ineffective and passed through it.

The Gnome-longer living gathered itself, and touched Joffrey on the chest, snuffing out his life like a candle, his eyes faded as he crumpled to the ground.

It was at this moment that they all noticed the dragon, calmly sitting at the back of the room in a chair, intently observing them, as he preferred to watch.

Violent tendencies piqued, Von Autingler rushed forwards, hands outstretched and promptly turned half the room into a bonfire; minimally disturbing the ghost, but immolating it’s corpse’s hat.

Delivering a potion to Joffrey, Bubba was able to banish the entity with some further cracks of his pole, to the dragon’s pleasure. Checking the corpse of the gnome, he found it too, was sickly in life and it didn’t seem to be carry anything of value in death.

Recovering, Tiefstein inspected the maps on the table and found that they were of the coastal area of the Vitamin Sea, presumably where this lighthouse came from, and he collected them.

Moving upstairs, they found an equipment room with three closets, chests and a smattering of tools and boxes arranged around the circumference. Nosing around the obvious items, a number of basic materials and implements were collected, including a novel miniature socket set and wrench.

Choosing a closet each, they started to approach them; Bubba unwittingly opened his first and was beset upon by a ghoul. Matching undead sprang from the other two, attacking the remaining party members.

Another rap of thunder and another disappointing result, as Joffrey tangled with his rotten aggressor.

Uncharacteristically, Autismus intelligently set his opponent, and its confines on fire, before wrestling the door shut; He was experienced with ovens.

Bubba fought vigorously with his ghoul, beating it back, but was distracted by the arcane profanities being screamed from across the room. Joffrey attempted to close the door on his as well, acknowledging the good idea, to poor results as he was overpowered.

Having a moment of peace, Autismus flung a magic missile at Bubba’s ghoul, re-killing it.

Bubba attempted to help Joffrey and whip his assailant but missed it, just as Von Autingler’s pried its way out of the closet and gouged the distracted deviant. Austismus felt his skin burn where he was struck, worried he may be infected, but it didn’t take hold.

Joffrey continued screaming and shouting obscenities at his ghoul, while floundering to get the door shut, unproductively. Bubba miraculously managed to land a killing blow, around the tumult of flailing limbs and curses.  The remaining ghoul traded blows with the oven enthusiast, taking a dagger to the chest while gouging chunks of tiefling with its claws. This time the infection took hold and Autismus collapsed, paralysed, to the floor, at the mercy of his attacker.

“Cunt!” Bellowed Joffrey, and the undead was visibly rocked, deeply offended by his reprimand, just prior to being gifted to the ground by Bubba.

Approaching Autismus, Joffrey patted him down, definitely checking him for injuries, and confirmed that the sword was ok. Again he was torn and caressed the immaculately carved metal with his eyes before abruptly standing up, and helping the recovering wounded to his feet.

The team, exhausted from their harrowing experience so far, decided to take a brief break and collect themselves, before they continued further up.

*To be continued.*

