05/04/2025 - ***Perfectly in-tune***

Hours turned to days as the party busied themselves with their preparations for the task ahead; sneaking in to tower would be their most dangerous trial yet.

Squelch spent his time coordinating with the goblins, settling in to his new position as clan chief, and delegating tasks to his new number two, Squawk. He arranged for an expedition of 12 to investigate the incident at the goblin village, perhaps hoping to find survivors that the dragons callously disregarded.  The draconic Queen sent forth an expedition of her own, although their destination was a mystery, her plans were beyond mortal comprehension.

The race traitor amused himself with his alchemical pursuits, attempting to infuse Sheep Bone ales with yeti blood, chasing illusive frost resistance.

Joffrey industriously worked on his renovations of Tiefstein Tower, painting it black and gold in agreement with Autismus' taste in color. Internally the structure was reworked according to plans Tiefstein had architected himself, and he was delighted to find the cost of labor so low. 
Attempts were made to augment the teleportation matrix at the pinnacle to add attunement for security, this ultimately failed due to the complexity. Fortunately however, he was able to fortify the vault in the basement against mundane entry, at least that was something.

If one were to look too closely at the paintings that now tastefully bedecked most spaces in the lighthouse, they would notice that all of the faces in the portraits were of the great bard himself.

Along with his other endeavors, the legendary performer went shopping and acquired for himself a new short sword, crossbow and burglars kit.

While the remainder worked tirelessly, Autismus spent his time fucking around, telling the others that he was working on his "Dark Arts". Based on the deranged giggling coming from his quarters at all hours of the day, that may have been a euphemism; besides, Joffrey wasn't sure that he could even read.

Having completed their rigorous preparations, the legendary quartet made their way over to the Ivory Tower to test their mettle. 

Arriving at the base of the structure, they spied a similar pair of demonic guards disguised as halflings as they had encountered previously.

While they maintained their vigil, a third halfling approached from the village that also appeared to be in disguise; Piercing the veil, they saw it was Hoover the gnome wearing an illusion.

He sauntered past the guards, produced something small from his robes and touched it against a heavily adorned wall plate by the door. There was a small flash of magical energy as a portal opened and he casually stepped through.

The group noted that the portal remained opened after he entered and decided to act quickly to try and seize their chance to gain entry.

Approaching in his prison guard costume, Joffrey took point and began to weave a delicate web of deception around the guards, enthralling them. He claimed to be searching for an escaped prisoner in the area, and that he would like to enter The Tower to ensure that there was no threat to its personnel.

The guards were baffled by this and were adamant that no one had entered without authorization, but they found they were unable to look away from this very nice man, with a very large smile.

Joffrey ramped up his antics, gesticulating energetically to his audience, as Bubba employed his own hobbyist theatrics. Pulling himself forwards on an invisible rope, he silently climbed horizontally behind the guards and began to rifle through their pockets.

He gestured mystically to Joffrey over their shoulders, momentarily confounded by an invisible wall, before pulling an endless rope from their trousers that ended in a monkey paw on a chain. He put a hand to his mouth and black and white face-paint further accentuated his shocked, melodramatic facial expression.

In a series of exaggerated, tip toed steps, he made his way over to the door and began to tinker with the wall plate, Autismus sheepishly following after a moment of indecision.

The portal sprang into existence as the monkey paw was produced and the guards began to rouse not having noticed someone approaching the entrance. Thinking quickly as only a master tactician could, Joffrey exclaimed that he just saw the missing prisoner and pointed squarely at Squelch, in his hiding place in a nearby bush.

The guards shouted in alarm, now realising that their rabbit’s foot was missing, and charged towards the garden as Tiefstein slunk into the portal.

Squelch cursed this perceived betrayal and sprinted for the portal, doing his best to evade capture as the illusory halflings launched themselves at him.

Fortunately he fell through the portal just in time and it snapped shut behind him as it expired, leaving the demons trapped temporarily outside.

Standing up, he found himself alongside his companions in some kind of foyer, and quickly forgot his anger at the entrepreneur as he read the plaque on the admin desk. “The Tower: Baths and Day Spa”.

The room was beautifully appointed in white marble, with a large pentagram engraved into the centre of the room and some changing booths on one side. 

At a desk was a bored looking succubus leaning on her hand who, as they approached, monotonically welcomed them to the day spa. She advised them that they should disrobe, store their gear and then collect some towels before heading in.

No one felt that removing their equipment was wise, so they took towels from the pile and attempted to move towards the door on the opposite side of the room. The succubus called out to them and asked again, for the goblin in particular, to remove their armour as it would rust up in the spa and make a mess. 

She didn’t particularly care however, and they ignored her advice as they moved off, with Squelch wrapping towels around his top and bottom to obscure his plate.

Bubba decided to take a closer look at the monkey paw talisman and found that it shared the “Tower Day Spa” branding.

Making their way through the doorway marked ‘spa’, they entered an initial room featuring a generously sized central pool flanked by a door on either side. The pool was brimming with a foreboding, dark red, and slightly viscous looking fluid that a pair of Roks were frolicking in.

At the rear was a ghoul with a net on a long pole fishing out chunks of debris from the “water”, with a monkey paw on a chain around his neck.

As they moved into the room, they could see the signage above the doors more clearly, the left said “massage” whilst the other was blank.

The Roks attempted to engage the group in conversation as they noticed them, inviting them into the suspicious stew for a “game”; a smiling Joffrey promised they would catch up with them later.

The goblin skittered up to the ghoul and roughly questioned him as to whether he knew Hoover and had seen where he had gone, but the pitiful creature didn’t know anything.

Slyly glancing at the ghoul-boy’s monkey paw, they noted that it appeared identical to their own.

Not making much progress, Bubba suggested splitting up and checking both of the doors to cover more ground; there was some debate but they opted to stick together for safety.

They headed through the unlabelled door on the right hand side of the pool, proceeded down a hall to a fork, before choosing right again.

Temperature and humidity rose in concert down the hallway, and the air soon became thick with fog as they entered a chamber with a large brazier in the centre. Suspended in the air above the construct was the source of the steam; two massive elementals locked in seemingly eternal conflict, one fire and one water.

Joffrey squinted, attempting to peer through the dense mist at the other side of the room and could only just make out another doorway. 

His reverie was shattered much like a portion of the brazier, as the diminutive dimwit charged forth and belted it with his hammer on a whim.

Joffrey wasn’t sure if he was concerned about his armour in the intense steam, or if he’d just been lacking violent stimulation for several seconds and had gotten bored.

Whatever his motivation, if he’d desired violence it was going to be what he got, as the fire elemental was banished and the aqueous alternative dropped to the floor.

Before anyone could react it let loose a blast of water into Autismus who, having drank quite some piss in his time, was able to determine the resistances of the entity.

Bubba lashed out, but his dart and pole seemed to mostly pass through the creature, barely injuring it.

Squelch was drawn inside the creature as it momentarily enveloped and suffocated him, before he was able to force his way back out with his wiry strength.

The secretion sommelier launched a series of magic missiles into its rippling form, splashing the tiles with what he fantasised was urine.

The Whack-Splat passed through it barely causing a tremor, glowing gem briefly illuminating it from within like a living lava lamp.

Seeing the limited effect the others were having on this pernicious puddle, Tiefstein knew he was going to have to save them himself and thrust forth his ring. A wave of force erupted from his fist as he unleashed a stored Thunderwave, blasting the creature back away from them and doing moderate harm.

Sensing an actual threat present, the creature was enraged and roared with aquatic agony as it surged forwards.

Bubba attempted to stop it from reaching the legendary bard, but his weapons were ineffective as the wailing wave proceeded unhindered.

Joffrey was crushed under a breaking tide that almost broke his body, and was himself enraged, did this lecherous lickspittle know who he was !? 
Eyes alight with the fires of the 9 hells and roared “I’m not locked in here with you, YOU’RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH ME!” He snapped his fingers, and in an instant the creature was wreathed in magical fire, surface boiling as it was grievously wounded in retribution.

In awe of the unchecked might of their leader, Autismus and Squelch regrouped and a hail of magic missiles, hammer blows and holy energy pummelled the beast.

His potent magic was too good for this ripple ridden rapscallion, the bard drew forth his gleaming new short sword, summoned all his strength and parted the water like a religious figure of old.

Muscles bulging, he raised his blade aloft in triumph, making it glow as his voice seemed to emanate from everywhere at once “I. HAVE. THE. POWER!” he bellowed.

The fisherman excitedly collected a small bottle of water from the elemental before it drained away, although this was determined to have no unique properties whatsoever.

As the vapour in the room dissipated, a figure seated on a bench in the rear became visible, unfortunately he was long dead and appeared thoroughly steamed.

Bubba and Tiefstein wasted no time searching them, practically running into each other as they tore off anything of value like hyenas. Among the gelatinous remains they recovered 40 gold pieces, a small ruby and a vial of mystery dust.

Bubba was most interested in this dust, surely for academic and alchemical purposes, and Joffrey was quite happy to let him take his cut.

The heady afterglow of victory and wealth left him and he began to feel the severity of his injuries as he shakily quaffed a greater healing potion from the bag of holding. It wasn’t quite what he was hoping for, but it did make it easier to remain standing, as they quietly moved to investigate the region beyond the doorway.

From the threshold they could see a room filled with a number of bubbling hot tubs, only one was occupied by a small figure, and there were a gaggle of 5 skeletons further back.

Joffrey hissed as he recognised Hoover in the tub then attempted to convince the others to retreat, the compact cosmetics connoisseur was dangerous. In a brief moment of insanity however, he remembered how powerful he was and suggested attempting to silence and assassinate him instead.

The faithful fisherman had his back no matter what he decided, and as they walked into the room, the businessman was genuinely unsure what was about to happen.

Unusually, Hoover noticed them enter and greeted them as old friends, inviting them to join him, which the goblin took literally and climbed into his hot tub.

He was naked, had a drink in-hand and took this development in stride as he asked him if he was still hanging around with that dick, Solkanar.

Continuing to waffle, he asked if they knew any cool spells; Joffrey rebutted and asked if he knew any cool spells.

“I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours” the gnome crooned with a wink, as the performer stared at him, on the razors edge of attempted murder.

A few tense moments passed as the gears turned furiously in the bard’s mind before he cast Detect Magic. Feigning disappointment at Hoover’s dismissal of this entry level magic, he focused on his spell and scanned the room for evidence of the necromancer’s equipment to no avail.

The gnome went on to boast that he knew plenty of powerful spells and pointed out his bony quintuple lurking in the shadows.

He resumed his discussion with the other three and revealed that he was only a consultant contracted by The Ivory Tower, working on a mechanism to store life energy in crystals. 
Demons owned the building and were using a variant of Hoover’s science to sap energy from the townsfolk; this was then drawn into the structure itself, causing it to grow.

This somewhat confused him because his method required the use of large crystals and somehow, they were directing this energy into a building.

His original project in the goblin village drained the local’s life-force into the large gem of the lighthouse, then directed the energy in a beam to The Ivory Tower.

Autismus only had a rudimentary understanding of magic compared to Hoover, but was able to discern that this required necromancy and a large gem to focus the energy into; a “large suck-gem”, clarified Hoover.

He went on to rave about how he hated Solkanar, and that the dragon was only angry with him for fornicating with his mother, the Queen.

He explained wistfully the mechanics of the “Dragon Stand” sex technique, showing his captive audience the acid scars on his back with a lewd wink.

Remembering the lighthouse, he asked them if the large gem was still intact, Joffrey quickly interjecting, telling him that it had been destroyed in the aftermath by the dragon.

While he had his attention, the new owner of the lighthouse subtly questioned him about the mechanics of the teleporter, attempting to gleam a method of attuning it to specific people.

Hoover largely brushed this off and said he could figure it out if he had to, but was primarily focused on Necromancy.

Squelch prodded him about the denizens of SeegHell, wanting to know more about their condition and strange behaviour. Hoover explained that they were being drained of their life-force, as at the goblin village, and it was causing them to devolve into progressively lower beings.

They didn’t have long left before they would be dead, they had started as divine beings, then demons and now they were halflings.

Joffrey acknowledged he must have missed the demonic stage while he was away; they had been divine beings when he left and now they were halflings.

The bard tried to glean more information about the storage of energy in crystals and asked if there were a way to store other forms, such as giant hamster energy in one, hypothetically.

This was shot down and deemed not relevant to his necromantic arts, but the gnome did divulge that the chair in the lighthouse could drain energy from an occupant, proportional to their size.

He tried another angle, initially asking him if he could store part of a person’s energy without killing or harming them; a “small-suck” in laymen’s terms.

Hoover was evasive and didn’t really want to entertain this idea, calling it inefficient, causing Joffrey to insult his intelligence to try and goad a response.

He posited that Hoover was wrong, and a number of chairs could be rigged up theoretically, to fill the suck-capacitor and charge gems without killing the occupants.

Fortunately, the situation didn’t become violent, despite the small man’s animosity.

He got back onto the topic of “big-suck”, and made some distasteful references to Solkanar’s mother that earned him guffaws and grins from Autismus and Bubba.They wrapped up their unexpectedly pleasant visit with the gnome after he offered to show them his excessively large “weapon” that had “pierced” the Queen, and departed.

The party returned to the lobby, found Hoover’s monkey paw inserted into the pentagram on the floor along with another, and realised that they needed to collect all five to activate the teleporter.

They had one on them already and knew that the Ghoul-boy had another, they were only missing one more and set off to find it.

Approaching the Ghoul-boy, Joffrey went to work with a friendly smile, asking him if he would be able to loan them his key for a while. The ghoul wasn’t sure about this and felt that he might get into trouble for losing it, but Joffrey offered to make it worth his while.

He told the gentlemen tales of riches beyond his wildest dreams from other planes of existence, taking out 2 “clear sapphires” and the bottle of “magical” elemental water. The simple undead took his newfound riches with gusto, and handed over his monkey paw to the generous entrepreneur.

Warmest farewells exchanged, the group decided it might be worthwhile splitting up to cover the two remaining rooms efficiently. Autismus was most enthusiastic about visiting the massage parlour for reasons known only to him, and amidst his hawing and sniggering, Joffrey resolved to escort him.

The bard cast Message on Bubba before they parted, in case anything was amiss, and with that, the goblin and halfling left to search the staff room.

Walking up the stairs into the massage parlour, Autismus and Joffrey stumbled into a hedonistic scene; a minotaur laying on a table being vigorously worked on by three ghouls.

They studied the room but were unable to see another monkey paw, only a hearty selection of lubricants, so they decided to catch up to the others instead of angering a minotaur.

Besides, the rigorous rubbing of the rambunctious ruminant was making them uncomfortable.

Joffrey and Bubba exchanged mental messages, including some visual impressions of crying laughing faces, updating each other on their status.

Team short-stack arrived at the staff room and found that the door wasn’t locked, so they quietly slipped inside and were confronted by the rather literal naming scheme that made squelch laugh.

In the centre of the chamber, inserted into a slot in a raised section of the floor, was a magical staff with a blue, glowing gem affixed to the top.

Arranged around it were four cultists covered in pentagrams, worshipping the staff as a fifth walked the circle, whipping them as they chanted.

In the back of the room was another bored looking ghoul-boy with a monkey paw around his neck, and the fisherman immediately sent the philanthropist an update.

The whip-wielding wastrel noticed them as he completed his latest circuit, and told the two of them to fuck off, however Bubba informed him that they were here first.

He was momentarily confused by this illogical statement before he rallied his subordinates to attack the newcomers. Hearing of the trouble through their psychic link, the more magically inclined pair began to rush towards the staff-room, however they had some ground to cover.

The goblin took the initiative and charged into the room, ripping the staff free from the ground and threatened to destroy it if the cultists didn’t get back.Unfortunately for half-sized halfwit, touching the staff enraged the cultists and he put away his shield to dual wield staff and hammer; his faith would be his shield. 

Warding off the cultists with his weapons, he managed to hit one with the magical rod, electrocuting him but disgustingly, eliciting a moan of pleasure rather than pain.

However, who was he to kink shame ?

Wielding his less magical rod, the ranger lobbed a dart and whipped one of the aggressors, brutally wounding them as the group lunged at the goblin.

A frenzy of stabbing daggers engulfed him, the first plunging into green flesh twice, considerably wounding the puny paladin as the rest sparked off his armour.

Bubba’s blood ran cold as he felt a curse attempt to take hold on him, but he resisted its affects as he dodged a flying chair at the last second. The phantasmal furniture had been conjured by one of the cultists and proceeded to flail at him wildly, like it was wielded by a back-alley tavern brawler.

Squelch ducked a vicious looking ray of green energy, then threw the staff to the ghoul-boy in favour of his shield, feeling more cautious as the situation escalated. He lashed out at the fellow that had attempted to hex him but was unsteadied by the onslaught.

“The day is always darkest before the dawn” or so his promiscuous mother had always told him, and this time she was right. Just as hope began to dwindle, a magnificent figure in black leather burst into the room, aggressively flanked the attackers, and unleashed a cacophonous assault.  Three of the men were blasted from their feet, landing in a heap, by the ghoul-boy at the rear of the room, ravaged, while those remaining upright were shook by the newcomer.

The tide rapidly turned as the fisherman’s deadly lash killed one of those still standing by Squelch, all but freeing him from further injury.

If they weren’t already afraid they were now, as a deranged lunatic stumbled in, belching magic missiles that hammered all four of the humans.

Marvelling at his musical saviour, Squelch fell to another beam of emerald light that found its mark, horrifically disfiguring him, although Joffrey couldn’t tell the difference.

Recovering from their momentary shock, the men found their feet and rushed at the two newcomers, stabbing them both with ritual daggers.

“Get back you filthy peasants!” Joffrey roared at this indignity, unleashing another Thunderwave that threw one of them into a heap again, rending flesh and breaking bones.

A flicking fishing rod claimed another of those now weakened, leaving three briefly standing before a wave of fire from Autismus destroyed another two.

The performer smoothly wheeled blades from their sheathes, hewed into their whip-cracking leader, eviscerating them, a heartbeat before Bubba completed the execution.

Gurgling disturbed their post fight reverie as they remembered their wounded comrade; The ranger was able to stabilise their injuries and the goblin partially healed himself.

Joffrey moved to talk to the ghoul-boy, but was rudely interrupted and shouldered aside by the now conscious, and furious, green-skin.

Squelch jabbered in his brutal approximation of speech, shaking his hammer and pointing at the monkey paw around the undead’s neck.

The world-weary attendant gave it up without fuss and sighed, before moving off to look for more towels; what a mess they’d created for him.

Despite the simple garments of the cultists, Joffrey searched them eagerly, adding four daggers and a whip to his collection.

Autismus and Bubba derided him for his pragmatism, sarcastically queried if he was planning on collecting the dust from the floor as well, then made fun of the size of his nose.

The bard was confused and reflected on his perfectly proportioned features, as he unconsciously calculated the volume and projected value of the detritus, before shaking his head.

He assessed their injuries, called for a short rest while the ghoul went about his business, and played his flute as they recovered, delicate notes closing wounds.

Feeling more spritely, he tried to engage the undead again without interruption, this time bedazzling them with bullshit. He informed them that their performance review was due and he would need to take the staff from them, upstairs, for evaluation.

The sighing soulless serf handed it over, along with a love letter that he requested be delivered to the succubus in the lobby. Reading the primitive prose, Joffrey frowned, and being an incredibly generous, philanthropic man, he offered to rewrite it for him.  The ghoul perked up and was exceedingly pleased by this turn of fortune; the hassle they’d caused him overshadowed by thoughts of a romantic romp.

They parted on good terms, the bard tossing the staff to the lunatic as they made their way up the corridor.

There was one door remaining in the hall that they hadn’t investigated, steam curled out underneath it and Bubba approached it.

A large, black golem was revealed within; it was made of smouldering coal and poured water on itself to create the steam filling the small chamber.

The performer was momentarily repelled, looking to retreat, until he heard the seductive siren tones of attempted music emanating from the fog.

A trio of Roks were doing their best to play some instruments, but bemoaned that they couldn’t get in-tune, it just didn’t work.

Now standing in the threshold, Joffrey quickly switched between his flute, harp and bagpipes, frowning as he advised it was easy and they each worked every time.

They weren’t confident, but he was adamant that he would prove that being in-tune just worked, and he asked his companions for aid in his demonstration. 

Bubba bravely stepped forward, enthusiastic about being in-tune, whilst Squelch grimaced wanting nothing to do with them, and Autismus spasmed erratically while he dissociated.

Joffrey decided he would show them how it was done to start with, giving a breathtaking performance of jazz flute that left everyone speechless.

Bubba attempted to show them appropriate fingering technique, but this unsettled the Roks who were not sure how it was relevant to their present endeavour.

After this stumble, the pair roused them with promises of the ease of being in-tune, how it was only natural and, when the Roks began to flag, Joffrey slammed the wall and struck fear into them.

Being in-tune was a serious business and he would brook no nonsense during his lesson.

At the feet of the immortal bard, Tiefstein himself, the Roks were unable to fail and by the end of the interlude, were playing their instruments masterfully. They finally saw the truth, being in-tune was easy, it just-worked, and for this grand epiphany they awarded their teacher a golden harmonica.  Joffrey reverently raised the harmonica above his head, made it glow, and sang “I. Have. The. Power!” His sonorous tenor reverberating around the enclosed space.

Their trials completed and their leader’s glory absolute, the troupe made their way to the atrium to depart, now possessing all of the monkey paws.

While the others inserted them into the pentagram on the floor, the bard approached the succubus at the front desk. He presented an easy smile along with the letter from the ghoul, telling her how beautiful the undead found her and how he longed to hold her in his arms.

She blushed and was deeply flattered, telling the roguish romantic that she would go to Bob and be with him.  His good deed for the day completed, he reflected on how magnanimous and benevolent he was, the power in the pentagram rising. Just as the spell triggered, his warm introspection was broken by Bubba, flicking the succubus with his towel on a whim as the room vanished, possibly destroying his work.

*To be continued*