21 KiB
16/8/2025 - The Goo, the Bad, and the Flapjack
The earth split open, cobblestones and twisted metal were cast about before being turned to molten slag by the tremendous energies radiating from The Ivory Tower. As though a giant's fist had grasped it, it was violently uprooted, debris showering down and crushing everything in the vicinity as it was freed from its terrestrial mooring.
The section that emerged from the stone was progressively wider than that which came before; flaring out and displacing ever more of the grounds with each cataclysmic moment.
On the far side of town, on a ridge overlooking the great swath of broken buildings, the party watched as the grand erection thundered skyward, shattering windows as it penetrated the heavens. In short order, all that could be seen through the wound in the clouds was a faint twinkling; that too faded, til it was lost in the familiar cosmic mural.
Emerging from their reverie, they saw the tremendous crater remaining where The Tower once stood, and slowly took in the numerous expanding vines tearing their way upwards among the ruins of Seeg-Hell.
Considering the turmoil, the town stood eerily still, and casting around they were unable to spot any of the oozes that were the final vestiges of the populace.
It began to dawn on them that the puddles of viscous, blue fluid that furnished the landscape must be their remnants, now that the last of their life-force had been extracted.
Similar to those that had attacked them on the road, there were verdant humanoids emerging from many of the larger plants, with groups of them lapping at the azure pools of people puree.
Despair and displeasure washed over them as they were assailed by Flapjack’s projected emotions; the tentacled beast quivered and flailed around forlornly, unable to contain itself.
Joffrey was the first to get a handle on himself and began asking Dyson for input on how they could safely traverse the streets and get to the lighthouse.
The small engineer began to rapidly blather tangentially, momentarily mentioning that he theorised the plant people would be empowered by lightning, amidst his autistic ramblings.
That was disconcerting and the bard asked if he was certain, then proposed experimenting on something, and asked if Flapjack was a type of plant person. Dyson advised that he wasn’t a plant, he was made of ectoplasm.
“So he’s a goo person ?” Queried Tiefstein, “well no, they’re different things…” the dragonborn clarified as he began to ramble on again, “Well they all look the same to me.” Shrugged Joffrey.
He gave the goo monster a side-eye and cast Message on Bubba, preferring telepathy to talking openly in front of their guests.
He attempted to clear the air, feeling that there had been a strange discord between them recently that became most obvious when Bubba had had an outburst and struck him earlier. He tried to reinforce that he was working in their best interest, and doing what he could to stop them from being killed by one of the two factions they found themselves trapped between.
He apologised if he’d done something to upset him and swore he would do all he could to rid the halfling of his passenger, but due to it’s nature, he couldn’t overtly act around him.
Further to this, he asked for the fisherman’s opinion on which faction they should be aiding; he felt drawn towards the devils, given the queens greed was bleeding them dry. (And her son was a dick) The goblin might not appreciate this attitude though, and he wasn’t sure if they should make a firm decision in his absence. Turning to include Autismus in their subtle aside, they noticed a flutter of tiny wings above them and watched as a small, red imp descended from the sky, alighted on the lunatic’s shoulder, and lit a cigarette.
Unsurprised by anything that occurred around that conscious calamity, Joffrey simply rolled his eyes, said “Funny looking cat.” And turned away again; it wasn’t worth the bother engaging in his nonsense. Though it did have two horns, two arms and two legs, so Tiefstein was at least satisfied that it classed as a real person.
Speaking of the inhuman, he was distracted by the squiggly glop wobbling its way over.
It paused and caressed Autismus, causing the imp to cackle dementedly as the businessman looked on in disgust, proclaiming it to be a HR issue.
The baked banana simply grinned lewdly at the monstrosity and said “don’t mind that bigot.”
Having had enough of this freak show, Joffrey began pointing at each member of their motley group in turn, demanding options to make their way to the lighthouse safely.
Von Autingler put forth that his new winged companion could turn invisible and scout ahead, but was worried about him being killed as he was small and fragile.
Several elaborate schemes were aired among them, such as travelling through sewers/tunnelling, fighting their way through, etcetera.
After several minutes of this, the halfling piped up and announced that they COULD do that, or, he could simply cast a spell to mask their presence, and they could stealthily pass through the town.
They all nodded and he proceeded with uncanny skill, allowing them to swiftly make their way past the aggressive flora and arrive at Tiefstein Tower.
Much had changed since they’d departed the previous day, most notably, there were now a pair of large spherical outbuildings attached to either side of the lighthouse at ground level.
The bard grinned, hands on hips, and proclaimed that their new ship appeared to have a lot of thrust, as he waggled his eyebrows.
Their mirth was immediately interrupted by distressed cries coming from the building and they noticed one the hamsters on the first floor balcony, attempting to get their attention.
The object of its terror was a giant mass of plant matter that was battering against the main entrance. Rolling up his sleeves, Joffrey told Dyson not to worry, this wasn’t the first time he’d had to kick a vegetable out of his bar.
Inwardly he was less confident; looking at the roiling mass of vegetation with its many tentacle-like vines, he decided it was probably best to avoid it and escape before the town was destroyed.
Thinking quickly, he pointed to the first floor balcony and asked if Bubba could get his grappling hook up there and allow them to climb inside.
The smug halfling attached it to the end of his rod and deftly cast it over the railing with practiced ease, securing the other end to a nearby lamp post.
Wasting no time, he leapt on top of the taut wire and scampered up it to the hamsters, with Autismus climbing under it not far behind him.
Watching this display, the cocky bard jumped atop the wire and tried to emulate his peer, but began to wobble uncertainly halfway up as Dyson followed him below. Just as he was regaining his balance, the dragonborn cried out and grabbed his ankle for support, sending them both to the cobbles, right behind of the monstrous monstera.
The businessman landed poorly, almost splitting his head open, as the small engineer landed on top of him, uninjured.
Groaning and beginning to stand, he was suddenly hit with tremendous force and smashed into the rocks once more, breaking some ribs; the ferocious fern had noticed them.
Kicking frantically, he managed to squirm free of the snaring vines trying to constrict him and snapped his fingers, his eyes flaring to light as he caused the creature to erupt into flames. Dishearteningly, this didn't seem to be as effective as he'd hoped, and he drew out his locket, looking at the picture of his resplendent self inside, gaining inspiration.
Thinking of himself, he lashed out with his sword and dagger, and although sap oozed from the small cuts he was able to deliver, it's bark-like hide was too tough to do any real damage.
Now noticing their benefactor's desperate situation, Bubba and Autismus began to rain hell from the balcony, but even the torrents of flame and usually lethal darts were proving ineffective.
Joffrey was finally seized by the vines and dashed against the hard stones like a ragdoll, "Get your hands off my penis! That's the creature that touched me on the penis, there! Ah yes, i see you know your judo well..." he cried out between being bludgeoned, now close to death.
Panicked, and not having any combat experience, the ebony skinned lizard man rummaged around in his robes and threw something at Joffrey. "I don't know what this does, but I hope it helps..." he muttered meekly, his face a quivering mask of fear. The projectile bounced off his barely conscious skull, then began to levitate and orbit his head; it was one of the Ioun stones that they'd created in the lab at Brown Mesa.
More darts and magic missiles pounded into the top of the grumpy greenery, and chunks of pulpy material were blasted off by the continued assault, causing it to loosen the grip on its captive.
As he fell to the ground once more, body hopelessly broken, looking up at the writhing tree-trunk-like appendages moments from destroying him, he reflected on his life and aspirations. He thought of all the profit he would never make, and shedding a single tear, realised that no-one would even remember his name.
Suddenly he became aware of something... intangible, indescribable, and reached out towards it hesitantly with his mind. As he brushed against this unusual presence, the monster in front of him began to slow, but it was more than that, everything began to slow, then stop.
An after-image appeared around things that had previously been in motion, a ghostly haze that seemed to slowly separate from the static forms, then began to move in reverse. Joffrey became aware of other...possibilities, other chains of events that both were, and could be... He saw a foggy vision of himself standing before the creature, in much better health, looking up at the second vine descending towards him, and mentally reached towards it. Reality violently lurched and he was in the place of his double, a massive green limb whipping towards him, and he dodged.
He could see a disorienting, ethereal leading edge to vine, as though glimpsing where it was going to be, as well as where it was, and it allowed him an extra heartbeat to get out of the way.
He guzzled a potion that caused his wounds to close and, having witnessed the alternative, this time he ran, repeating his jokes about the vine touching him on the penis as he fled. Racing back to the zip line, he cuffed Dyson out of his whimpering, and rapidly climbed the wire.
Only for history to repeat itself; he fell.
In his panic, reliving those moments from another lifetime, he cried out, certain that he was going to meet his eternal rest.
However this time he felt something hit him in the back and he suddenly surged upwards, as Bubba’s carefully placed hook yanked him within reach of the rope, and he scurried to safety.
Joffrey breathed a ragged sigh of relief as he lent against the railing; opening his eyes again, he saw that the danger hadn’t passed and Dyson was still at the base of the rope, struggling to climb.
The small dragonborn was reaching for the tether when the courtyard began to quake, a massive rent beginning to form across its width, and he lost his footing.
Sensing his sudden vulnerability, the plant advanced rapidly, tendrils stretching towards him as the tears in its flesh slowly began to close. Bubba was still winding his rod and with no obvious options presenting themselves, Autismus took a gamble and cast Darkness upon the furious flora.
Suddenly robbed of its life-giving sunshine, the plant hesitated, twisting around attempting to regain the light, and Dyson regained his footing, rushing up the rope in a blind panic.
Attempting to assist him, the maniac sent forth his imp, who tried in vain to lift the bulky lizard, only hindering him with its rudimentary intelligence.
Fortunately he made it over the railing and no sooner had his feet touched the stone, he was racing after Flapjack who was swiftly floating inside the building.
They all followed as the Hamsters lead them to the new engine room, where they saw the sentient spaghetti launch itself into the Spelljammer throne, plugging its various appendages into recesses and gripping controls. The lighthouse began to list as the edge of the widening crevasse reached its boundary and without warning there was a loud explosion. With a roar the floor raced up to meet them, and most were able to frantically hang on to whatever was at hand, however Joffrey was slammed onto his back, partially broken bones screaming in protest.
Although they were unable to see it from the bowels of the structure, for the second time today, a grand building resplendent in black and gold, joined the stars in the heavens. Despite the pain, the bard’s face split into a grin and he dragged his harp across his body, strumming an ancient tune he'd learned from an astral trader, called “Rocket Man”.
When the violent ascent of Tiefstein Tower had tapered off, the crew made their way to the observation deck at the pinnacle of the lighthouse, gazing down at the foreign view of their planet. Just in time to see it constricted by rapidly growing, continent sized vines.
Unable to process this roiling cauldron of emotions, they stood a silent vigil, surveying the end of the world; It was all the more bizarre that, from their vantage in the void, such a cataclysm could occur without sound.
Joffrey put his hands in his pockets, wistfully saying a wordless prayer for any residual wealth he may have left behind, and felt a small parchment that he’d forgotten about. Withdrawing the small square, he held it up and laughed softly at the two words on the paper that he’d written days ago, after fleeing the Ivory Tower. “Snake Jazz” There was little time to unpack this tangential thought as he was interrupted by panicked shouts from Dyson. The small engineer relayed that Flapjack had scried a flotilla of ships nearby, arrayed in a line, and two were approaching their position. The rest of the vessels turned, and in a flare of arcane light from their engines, sped into the distance, engaging their faster than light drives. Another warning came that one of the two remaining ships was on an intercept course, accelerating rapidly towards them, seemingly hostile.
The business man quickly took charge of the situation, calling for options and asking if they could outrun them. Dyson didn’t believe so, not at sub-light speed at least, the ship wasn’t fully operational after its modifications and the warp drive would take time to charge before they could jump.
Thinking quickly, he glanced up at the large gemstone hovering above them, enthralled by its magical apparatus and asked if they could use the big suck gem to fire an energy beam at the enemy.
The small lizard was baffled by this proposal and similarly, when relayed to the Hamsters through Bubba, they too had no knowledge of how this construct worked, it wasn’t part of the spelljammer.
Joffrey indicated that Autismus should stay with him on the bridge while the others returned to engineering; being the two most magically gifted, they would have to do their best to figure this out. Feeling this was a critical moment, the bard decided to look to a higher power, and surveyed a majestic parody portrait of himself, depicted as god, reaching down from the clouds to bless early humans.
Inspired by his own grandeur and with this endeavour calling for mindless violence, he placed the deranged sorcerer at the controls for the big suck, while he sat in an ornate chair to be his command throne.
Calling the engine room through a hollow tube connecting the two locations, he spoke with Bubba who had assumed the role of chief engineer, working with the rest of the crew.
They were doing what they could to evade what had been identified as a Moth-class ship, attempting to further increase their speed, but time was running out.
The two mystics worked the controls in tandem, pushing every button combination they could devise, the glowing, gilded runes guttering as they attempted to activate the mechanism.
Tiefstein struck the bulkhead in frustration, it was useless, there was nothing in the void to drain... Autismus' eyes practically crossed as he seemed to struggle with an internal voice momentarily. "What if we drained ... me ?" he asked uncertainly. Joffrey looked at him as though he were insane, although that was normal, but hesitated for a moment himself as he considered the possibility. "How old are you again ? You might have 80 or more years ahead of you, I doubt we'd need more than a few decades; this could save all of our lives" He mused. The pipe weed enthusiast spluttered and jabbered, seemingly confused and non-committal about how old he was, as though this were something he'd never considered before. However, before he could continue his rambling, the great bard said with finality that this was irrelevant, it would be madness to sacrifice him without trying all other possibilities.
He called the engine room again, and suggested plotting a course for what had been a densely populated area before the vines sprouted, to see if they could suck any life energy from the remaining goop.
Bubba did his best to relay this to Flapjack, who was frantically manoeuvring the ship, but all he got were panicked mental impressions from the creature, and he advised Joffrey they were doing what they could. "Don't give me excuses, give me results!" the businessman snapped, watching the moth ship grow in dimensions and begin to arm their ballista.
Apparently understanding their needs after all, the ship suddenly changed course and sped towards some manner of diffuse debris in orbit.
As they got closer, it became apparent that these were some manner of void lifeforms, not dissimilar to jellyfish and Joffrey enthusiastically called for Autismus to try again. They were gonna suck up some disgusting goo monsters.
This time, the arcane script adorning the chains of the great crystal flared to life, and a wave of energy burst forth, flowing out through the entities, then reversed direction, building in intensity as it drew their life-force back to the lighthouse.
All that remained were withered husks adrift, however the stone now thrummed and glowed a ghostly green with power; it was partially charged, in their estimation enough for one shot.
This wasn't time for half measures, this was life or death and Joffrey called the engine room for more power. Chief engineer Bubba glanced around frantically and in a moment of clarity knew what he must do; he would inject alchemical reagents directly into the engines, overloading them, and hopefully direct the power to the command deck.
Rifling through his belt pouch, he withdrew three vials; one of mystery powder from a corpse in the Ivory Tower, one of dead replicator dust and a vial of yeti blood. With a demented cry he sucked and snorted all three into his system, swished them around in his mouth, then opened a hatch on the drives, spitting them all straight into the roiling inferno within.
Dyson and the hamsters looked on in disbelief and horror, this was madness, this could never work, it was impossible.
Yet the deck bucked and rolled as a massive surge of magical energy exploded into being inside the engine manifold, miraculously contained. With a thump, a conduit leading straight up began to glow cherry-red as the surge was redirected towards the tip of the craft.
The big suck gem blazed like a dying star as it was filled to the brim, and Joffrey gave the order to fire everything they had at the enemy vessel. The phallic craft reversed direction, now facing the moth ship point-first, rapidly closing the remaining distance, moments from collision. "Now!" cried the bard, watching with faltering confidence as the madman stood indecisively, hand hovering over two large glowing buttons. "How do i do it, i'm not sure what i can use to fire this thing !?" sputtered the lunatic, tongue protruding from the corner of his mouth. "Just push the gods-damned button with your hand!" screamed Tiefstein.
Inspired by this sudden revelation that he did indeed have hands, Autismus finally pressed the button and was blinded by the sudden release of flaring light overhead.
A coruscating lance streamed forcefully from the tip of the lighthouse, through the silence of the heavens, and slammed into the heart of the enemy vessel, causing it to careen out of control as its engines were destroyed.
Cheers of victory soon turned to cries of alarm as they realised they were still on a collision course and Bubba raced to offer support to Flapjack. Leaping in front of the Spelljammer throne, he stumbled and slapped one of the alien's disgusting tentacles off of a joystick, causing the ship to roll along its axis instead of changing course.
Every member of crew were thrown into walls and ceilings as the moth collided with the engine room, tearing an enormous hole in the fortified stone as the ships merged haphazardly.
Blinking dust and debris from their eyes as they sat up, they saw large humanoid silhouettes through the clouds of steam emerging from the hole in the ship. "Prepare to repel boarders..." came the haggard voice of their leader through the comms tube.
To be continued.